Monday, December 29, 2008

Merry (After) Christmas

Merry Christmas, girls! I thought of you all day! I wondered what you got for Christmas and how much fun you were having! We an an excellent calm and peaceful day. Lisa, Luna, Pop Pop and I opened presents, and ate our traditional cinnamon rolls and orange rolls. The I put the turkey in and we played with all our new gifts! Pop Pop gave me a digital frame, so we can see yours and Luna's picture on display all the time! Tia gave me some gorgeous pants and Luna gave me a pink robe, that she painted "Mom Mom" on. Pop Pop and Tia also gave me gift cards! Luna painted a tool box for Pop Pop that says "Poppy's Tools". It's adorable.

Before we came back up here, I went shopping in Phoenix. The Fire Fighters were out front asking for new clothes for poor children. I was missing you so so so much, I went shopping for you! I bought clothes that I thought you would like and gave them to the firefighters for other little girls. Girls I also don't see!

Luna and I made peanut butter cookies and pumpkin pies. We had a peaceful dinner and then watched a video of Luna's Christmas program. I missed it because I was SO sick with bronchitis and asthma. It was a lovely day, but I thought of you sweet girls so much and missed you SO SO much.

Enjoy your Christmas vacation! Happy New Year! I love you more than chicken, and chocolate!
Love, Mom Mom

Saturday, December 20, 2008

An Open Letter to My Daughter

Savannah and Mari

For some reason, things have often been rocky between us. It would seem that now I have reached the age of 56 and you are now 33, things could be resolved. If not resolved, at least smoothed over so we can all contact each other, and the kids can know their maternal grandmother, and aunt and cousin!

You may think I deserve to be punished by not allowing me to see Savannah and Mari, and the two newcomers, Micah and Lucah. I disagree. We both made mistakes, and using the kids as pawns does no one any good. In the end it hurts the girls the most, and I know you don't really want that. Aren't you a little concerned that the girls may hold these lost years agaisnt you? I don't want that either. There is too much hurt and anger in this world to harbor and incubate any more.

You never really had a close relationship with a grandmother like I did. My Mom Mom was a saint to me, but I'll bet if you could have asked Nanny... she and her mother probably also had their moments. I always wanted to be a grandmother like my Mom Mom and I felt like I was pretty close! While I am as heavy as she was, I have never been able to put on a dress, hose and pearls to stay at home.

However, I do LOVE Savannah and Mari like my Mom Mom loved me. I adore them, and they adored me. We read, played, chatted, cooked and visited parks and other places. Savannah would spend the night with Lisa, and breakfast out together. I just can't understand how making your girls lose out on all that helps the situation.

I'm not trying to argue. In fact, I think I can keep quieter than most now. I have learned through the pain. I wish I could offer some reasons as to why I made you so mad. I honestly don't know... Undiagnosed depression, fear of airing our differences, stress, a constantly ill husband, and menopause must have turned me into a nefarious, wicked witch, and I didn;t know it. I don't know. Nothing I did pleased you.

No point in dredging up all that agony and heartbreak. Holding a grudge for this long is not good for YOU!

Let's be adults, no let's be Buddhas! Let's be positive, decent, humble, gentle and loving. It's Christmas! Let go... remember, bitterness is like acid -- it eats at the vessel that contains it.

It is very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more grit and gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own. ~ Jessamyn West

Forgiveness is a sign that the person who has wronged you means more to you than the wrong they have delt. - Ben Greenhalgh

Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hatred is the weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves. - 5 people you meet in heaven

I don't know what I can do to change your mind. All these wasted years are gone forever. Let's not waste more. I'm not getting any younger.

Just know I love you, Savannah, Mari, Micah and Lucah. I BEG you to let go of this grudge and let's get this behind us. If you decide to hate me till my death, at least let me see the kids. Please. It's all I want for Christmas.

Love, Mom