Tuesday, January 13, 2009

UnHappy New Year

The long anticipated call arrived. Twice on New Years day. I missed the first two calls, not having my cell phone with me. The third call came on January second. It was my estranged daughter. We had a polite, short, 2-3 minute call. I was happily surprised. She had not spoken to me in over 4 years.

She said I could email her via Facebook.

I did.

I told her I was happy to have heard from her. I got no response. I tried messaging her through Facebook again. Stiil, no response, yet I see she has been online. She won't add me as a friend, so I can only blindly message her. I can't see her page.

I tried calling her, and have left two messages, no return call. I think I got the message - she does not want to talk to me again. But why call at all, and make three attempts on two days? I am baffled. I knew it would be a slow process, but I never expected to be ignored again.

More than baffled, I feel myself returning to that depression I went through right after the last day I saw the girls. Unable to contain my tears, I cry alot. I feel the knots in my stomach, and I have trouble getting a breath.

After her call, my first thought was we could slowly work our way into being a family again. My second thought was I would be able to see the girls again, and maybe the little boys I don't even know. My third thought was that I could stop the antidepressant I needed to go on three years ago. I don't like being on it. Yes, it helps with the sadness, but it also makes you flat, so you don't even experience happiness either.

I am totally puzzled and saddend and wish this nightmare could be over. Please.