Saturday, December 20, 2008

An Open Letter to My Daughter

Savannah and Mari

For some reason, things have often been rocky between us. It would seem that now I have reached the age of 56 and you are now 33, things could be resolved. If not resolved, at least smoothed over so we can all contact each other, and the kids can know their maternal grandmother, and aunt and cousin!

You may think I deserve to be punished by not allowing me to see Savannah and Mari, and the two newcomers, Micah and Lucah. I disagree. We both made mistakes, and using the kids as pawns does no one any good. In the end it hurts the girls the most, and I know you don't really want that. Aren't you a little concerned that the girls may hold these lost years agaisnt you? I don't want that either. There is too much hurt and anger in this world to harbor and incubate any more.

You never really had a close relationship with a grandmother like I did. My Mom Mom was a saint to me, but I'll bet if you could have asked Nanny... she and her mother probably also had their moments. I always wanted to be a grandmother like my Mom Mom and I felt like I was pretty close! While I am as heavy as she was, I have never been able to put on a dress, hose and pearls to stay at home.

However, I do LOVE Savannah and Mari like my Mom Mom loved me. I adore them, and they adored me. We read, played, chatted, cooked and visited parks and other places. Savannah would spend the night with Lisa, and breakfast out together. I just can't understand how making your girls lose out on all that helps the situation.

I'm not trying to argue. In fact, I think I can keep quieter than most now. I have learned through the pain. I wish I could offer some reasons as to why I made you so mad. I honestly don't know... Undiagnosed depression, fear of airing our differences, stress, a constantly ill husband, and menopause must have turned me into a nefarious, wicked witch, and I didn;t know it. I don't know. Nothing I did pleased you.

No point in dredging up all that agony and heartbreak. Holding a grudge for this long is not good for YOU!

Let's be adults, no let's be Buddhas! Let's be positive, decent, humble, gentle and loving. It's Christmas! Let go... remember, bitterness is like acid -- it eats at the vessel that contains it.

It is very easy to forgive others their mistakes; it takes more grit and gumption to forgive them for having witnessed your own. ~ Jessamyn West

Forgiveness is a sign that the person who has wronged you means more to you than the wrong they have delt. - Ben Greenhalgh

Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hatred is the weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves. - 5 people you meet in heaven

I don't know what I can do to change your mind. All these wasted years are gone forever. Let's not waste more. I'm not getting any younger.

Just know I love you, Savannah, Mari, Micah and Lucah. I BEG you to let go of this grudge and let's get this behind us. If you decide to hate me till my death, at least let me see the kids. Please. It's all I want for Christmas.

Love, Mom

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