Dec6: My Muse was Published!

Hello My Very Much Missed Sweeties,

I recently wrote this little article, that was recently published! It's about how proud I am to be YOUR grandmother, your brother's grandmother, and Luna's grandmother!

I am not a beautiful woman... just ordinary, but like most women, I was attentive of my appearance. Not overly so, though. A clean face, blemish cream, a touch each of blush, mascara and powder were all the cosmetics I used. When people guessed my age to be younger than was so, I secretly smiled inside and enjoyed the moment.

At 45, I became a proud and doting grandmother. I took Savannah with me everywhere while my daughter worked. (I worked the night shift at the hospital then.) Often, while in the grocery store or at the park, people would imply that I was Savannah’s mother. “Are you going to carry this bag for your mommy?” a clerk would ask Savannah. I always kindly corrected the clerk, the librarian or other folks that I was Savannah’s grandmother and took a modicum of pleasure in their incorrect assumptions.

As the years passed and two more precious granddaughters arrived, assumptions that I was Savannah, Mari or Luna’s mother greatly decreased. No one ever asked or intimated that I was Luna’s grandmother though. Because Luna is of Korean, Caucasian and Latina heritage and I am very pale, people would ask if she were adopted or tell me it was a wonderful thing I had done, rescuing her from China! It made no matter to me; I loved being a grandmother to these precious girls.

Storm clouds approached and my youngest daughter estranged herself from me. As an added punishment, she banned me from having any contact with Savannah and Mari. I cried for months. Nothing worked to reconcile her to me. I missed my daughter and those granddaughters that I had practically raised. We adored each other - those sweethearts and I loved each other so much and were together constantly. We had made a “girl’s room” in our home for them, with pink walls and a baby rabbit wallpaper border. A pink and white quilt on a queen sized bed, shelves of children’s books and drawers of coloring books and toys filled the room. Blue’s Clues shower stickers were on the shower wall and little girl’s bath products and toothbrushes abounded in my bathroom. This made me SO happy.

I sat in a deep depression for a year. I cried rivers. After more than three years, I have slowly come to (mostly) accept that I won’t see Savannah, Mari or their two little brothers for a long, long time. I still have a broken heart and dream of them most nights. I still have time with Luna and my other daughter, and for that I am VERY grateful.

Back to my appearance... I have aged immensely in the past four years. The cry lines under my eyes are permanent, so they seem, especially since I tend to “refresh” them from time to time. No amount of sleep or face creams have helped. I acknowledge the folds and furrows under my eyes now as part of who I am. I don't fret over my appearance any longer, though I still use make-up and do my hair!

Last week, at the playground with Luna, my five-year-old granddaughter, a boy of about 12 asked me, “Are you her grandmother or something?” Immediately, I felt proud and replied with a smile, “Yes, I am her grandmother.”

I thought for a moment, I am SO glad that my first response to that question was pride and not remorse for appearing to be a grandmother! The more I thought about it, the better I felt! I am SO proud to be a grandmother. I LOOK like a grandmother and that is OK! In fact, it is wonderful and liberating!

All stages of life have their benefits and I am grateful to be where I am. I pray and pray that one day my daughter’s heart will soften and I can be a grandmother to Savannah and Mari and their two little brothers whom I don’t know. In the meantime, I scrap the girl’s precious photos and hope. I also beam at the title “grandmother.”

~ A PROUD Grandmother!

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I sure hope you girls are having a nice summer! I wonder if your school will go to a 4 day school week this fall. Did you go to the splash parks? I wondered if you went to see fireworks on the fourth as well.

We're getting ready to go to Colorado for a while. Luna asked that we be there for her first day of Kindergarten, and we are going. We might have gone up sooner, to escape this heat, but I need to have a second MRI. We'll go soon after, and come back if I need treatment. The heat sure does bother me more and more with each passing year! I look forward to the cooler weather, and cool breezes at Tia's house!

Luna and Tia got a new dog! They still have Botas, but they got a rescue dog- a blondish-white lab mix named Scarlet! She is really a digger and recently dug her way out of Tia's yard! Yikes! We've been caring for Thunderboy all this month and we know Cualli will miss him. We're sort of thinking of getting a smaller chihuahua for company for her.

Here's a picture of Cualli and her beloved squirrel toy! (It's a Beanie Baby dog toy!)