Tuesday, January 13, 2009

UnHappy New Year

The long anticipated call arrived. Twice on New Years day. I missed the first two calls, not having my cell phone with me. The third call came on January second. It was my estranged daughter. We had a polite, short, 2-3 minute call. I was happily surprised. She had not spoken to me in over 4 years.

She said I could email her via Facebook.

I did.

I told her I was happy to have heard from her. I got no response. I tried messaging her through Facebook again. Stiil, no response, yet I see she has been online. She won't add me as a friend, so I can only blindly message her. I can't see her page.

I tried calling her, and have left two messages, no return call. I think I got the message - she does not want to talk to me again. But why call at all, and make three attempts on two days? I am baffled. I knew it would be a slow process, but I never expected to be ignored again.

More than baffled, I feel myself returning to that depression I went through right after the last day I saw the girls. Unable to contain my tears, I cry alot. I feel the knots in my stomach, and I have trouble getting a breath.

After her call, my first thought was we could slowly work our way into being a family again. My second thought was I would be able to see the girls again, and maybe the little boys I don't even know. My third thought was that I could stop the antidepressant I needed to go on three years ago. I don't like being on it. Yes, it helps with the sadness, but it also makes you flat, so you don't even experience happiness either.

I am totally puzzled and saddend and wish this nightmare could be over. Please.

2 comments:

Tammy Gary said...

This made me so sad! You know I have been praying for you! My preacher told us some good advice I want you to try... find someone in your same situation and begin praying earnestly for them, telling God you know the hurt they feel and would He please heal their hearts. You will receive blessings for it. Makes sense to me.

Acorn Designs said...

My daughter lets me see the grandkids maybe once or twice a year if I'm lucky. So I know how you feel. I miss the kids. I even raised the oldest one whois now 12 until she was 7 years old and even raised my oldest grandson for a while. The kids were turned back over to her when she settled down enough to take care of them herself. She really has not but at least it is better than it was.

Even if your allergic to them go get yourself a couple of cats. You can always take an allergy pill. My cats are what keep me sane and not thinking about the grand kids. My cats are my children. Each one has her own personality. I have 4 of them Tigger who is the oldest, spoiled beyond belief and wants to be an only child. Piglet is a calico and is big and fat. she is very quite and likes to site by herself most of the time. But when she decides she wants some attention you had better give it to her or she will pester you to death. Roo is a very cute snuggle one who wants to sleep in mommy's face all the time. Then there is Midnight, my little heathen.She has become very loving in her own way. Se loves to play and must spend time in mommy's lap every day. She loves to chase the other cats and play fight with them.

They will love you to death and keep you entertained. You will find that they will become your best friend. I know they can never replace the grandkids but at least they help to make things easier for you.

God Bless you sweetie and I pray that things will work out.