I have finally learned how not to cry - usually. I never new it was physically painful to hold back tears- my eyes really hurt! I am often successful, but today the tears fell again. I got sad again, because I read this post, on a site I just love. This woman is addressing her grandmother, who has gone to heaven. She describes so well the pain I feel over not seeing your girls, and how I would love to know your brothers. Here is a copy of this wonderfully written letter- it says what I want to say!
"It’s four o’clock in the morning. Did you know? You know that’s not like me at all, but I had another dream about you. I miss you so much. Without the tiniest bit of cliché, I miss you so much it hurts. I can feel that spot in my heart, where you belong, collapsing. It’s not just a hole; it’s a void - a black hole - sucking everything else into it, creating more and more emptiness. I hate to admit it because it makes me sound like a spoiled, selfish child, but I want to look up to heaven and shake my fists at God and ask why He had to take you from me. I love you; I love you so much. But you know that, don’t you... didn’t you? I guess talking about you in past tense makes the fact that you are gone even more real.
I was there when you left. Did you know? It wasn’t scary or anything like I thought that it might be like. I wish that the people who made movies could experience (or maybe just talk to someone who has experienced) being with someone in their last moments. It’s not like it is in the movies. I know that it is different with every person, but you were finally at peace. You had been in so much pain. I am so glad you are not in pain anymore; but I miss you still.
I think I know now why people make deals with the devil. I am going to see you again, but I am so impatient. The thought of seeing you sooner is so tempting. Why is it that head-knowledge is so hard for my heart to understand?
You were worried about the kids remembering who you were. You should have had a little more faith in your “smart boy.” Jamison saw a picture of you, pointed his little finger at it and said “MeMa.” He loves you, too. I brought him to visit you before you left and you know what he said? He said, “MeMa’s sleepin’” and then he sang “Jesus Loves Me” and touched your hand.
There are so many things I want to tell you, but (wait, Margot cut two teeth last week) you’re busy. I also know that to be absent from the body is to be in the presence of Christ and I know there is no other place you would rather be than at the feet of our Lord. But, I still miss you, MeMa.... "
http://www.scrapgirls.com/NL/Chit_Chat_080827_Wed_Miss.htm
Dear Savannah and Mari, I love you forever! Sometimes I think is is best if you believe all that your parents have told you about me and Pop Pop, as it would make YOUR pain less. By now, you may not miss me at all, but I know you were terribly upset ABOUT the separation. You both cried when I told you this might happen. You sobbed when you told me Abuelo told you that Tia and I were no longer your family. Part of what hurt me more than anything, was knowing how hurt you two girls were when you thought you would not see us any more.
I only hope and pray that you are no longer sad. Just remember I am forever your grandmother and I will love you to pieces to my dying day!
I'll post later about Luna's first day of school!
Love you more than chicken!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Big hugs, Mom Mom
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