Finally!

Hello Girls! What a marvellous three weeks I got to see your brothers on Monday, May 4, 2009, and you girls on 11 days later, on May 15! What a day! I could not bring myself to write this most wonderful news, as I was floating on Cloud Nine and reliving our visits!

I remember trembling as we heard your dad and brothers coming up the sidewalk! I grabbed Savannah's head and hugged and kissed it. I could not grab you girls fast enough! You are SO big. I had a friend years ago in North Carolina, named Lottie, who used to call your mom and Tia "grownie". That's the word that came to mind when I saw you! Wow! You are SO grownie!

All my fears that you would not care about me anymore dissapeared when you gave me bear hugs! Later, you, Savannah told me how much you loved and missed me. An unsolicited bit of information that made me elated, and sad at the same time. When this mess first started, I hurt so badly, much if it due to thinking of how hurt you girls were at being ripped away from us. I KNOW it hurt you badly. When we used to go to your school for lunch, you would cry hysterically when we said we ought not to come, as we did not want you to get in trouble. I remember Eden's father telling us how antsy you were one day when we got there late. You kept looking at the door for us.

Well, I do not want to dreg up the past. I am very very grateful that your neighbor and your dad talked about allowing us to see each other. We've had two visits and I am happy as the happiest clam! I even weaned myself off the anti-depressant I've been on for five years.

I hope we can continue to see each other forever now! I am also extremely pleased that you can come to my house. Spending our visits only in the park was a REAL Mom Mom killer! I hope on one of our upcoming visits we can read and or bake something together!

You girls are just BEAUTIFUL! Your brothers are precious and you all are so loving and affectionate! I am finally a happy grandmother. I am very grateful to your dad for bringing you!

Look at these mighty handsome boys! MIcah just melted my heart on our last visit! I gave Mari some of the clothes I had bought you girls years ago. They were too small for Savannah, but Mari excitedly bagged them up and took them home. Shortly thereafter, Micah sidled up to me and asked " Don't you have any boy clothes?" I never expected him to notice or care about clothes- he's FOUR! Well, I did not have any that fit him- allt he clothes I had bought him, but was not allowed to give him were for a baby! So, I had a wonderful time shopping for boy clothes the other day! Now, on the next visit, I can tell him I DO have boy clothes for he and his brother!

I LOVE you all MORE than chicken!

Love, Mom Mom
xoxoxoxoxoxox

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Belated Easter Message

Hi Sweeties,

I'm late wishing you a good Easter. When I am that down about missing you, I just can't write, as I cry too much. I am still missing you just as much as ever, but I am doing OK today. I hope you had a good Easter!

Did the Easter bunny bring all of you lots of goodies? Luna found eggs around the house, then at church, and then at friend's house! She wanted us to keep hiding eggs for her to find, for two days! We dyed eggs Saturday night, and I made a ham dinner Sunday evening. Overall, a very quiet and nice Easter. Of course, I thought of you constantly!

I just saw Cindy Anthony on TV, and she said just what I felt... she did not want to keep living without her granddaughter, who was killed. I also did not want to go on living without seeing you girls, and then your brothers. Thankfully Pop Pop and Lisa were very supportive, and Luna too was there for me. I think of you all the time, and you must get tired of me saying that, but I want you to know how much I miss you, and how terribly hard this is for me.

We are still in Colorado, but will be coming home soon. I dreamed about you girls again last night. I ran into you in a restaurant, and even though your mom told you to ignore me, you both ran over to me and hugged me and we all smiled and hugged. You both had ear to ear smiles, and I did not want to wake up!

You girls are always in my thoughts and alwasy in my heart. I miss you so much!

Before long, we will see each other again!

I love you more than chicken!
x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0
Love, Mom Mom

Dreams

Hello Sweeties,

Last night I dreamed I saw you again. In my dream, your dad and some friends ran into me at a store, and he asked if I would come watch you girls while he did something. I was thrilled. Mari led me upstairs to your room (in my dream, you had a two story house). There I found Savannah sleeping. I felt like we were in Heaven. It was such a good, magical dream, I hated to wake up. I cried during the day when I remembered my sweet dream.

It is SO hard not to see you. I feel like a big chunk of my heart is gone. I can hardly wait for the day when I can see you and hug you and tell you I love you.

Well, Tia got back from the Netherlands! She brought us lots of goodies, and she had a great time.

I'll Never Stop Loving You

Hello Girls,

I just know when you get a bit older and see this blog, you will find me and we will be reunited! Just know I think of you ALL the time, and miss you so much, I feel I will explode! I remember when I was your age... I ADORED my Mom Mom and would have been very angry if anyone separated us! I remember how you loved us and were so free with your hugs and kisses and "I love you, Mom Mom". I remember when you, Savannah asked if I was going to die one day, and how she cried at the answer. Telling you it was a long, long time away barely cheered you up! We were in Target and you clutched my hand and hugged me. I will never forget that. I remember how you begged me to never be far from you, asking us to move to California if you moved there. You girls and Luna are just the sweetest girls.

We're on out way to Tia's house! Have a wonderful Easter - I'm wishing I could see you! I will be having fun with Luna, and we all wish we could spend Easter together. Of course, one day I will share the photos with you!

I love you more than chicken AND chocolate!
Love, Mom Mom
x0x0x0x0x0x0x

Happy Birthday, Savannah!

Happy 11th Birthday, Savannah
Miss Sweet Pea!

Happy Birthday to you! Eleven years old, already! Here is a picture of the Nemo cake you and I made for your 6th birthday! Do you remember going all over to find a Nemo figurine for the cake? You were SO proud of this cake! You are in your pajamas too, from having spent the night with us.

I thought I was doing OK today, but I always get lumpy-throated and teary-eyed on holidays and your birthdays. I miss you so much. Nothing in this this life has been as hard as being down the street from you and not seeing your sweet faces, and feeling your sweet, tender hugs around my neck. God I miss you. I'd gladly give up all I own to see you and visit you.

Still, I have faith that one day we will see you again. We will have SO much catching up to do! You can meet the new puppies, Cualli and Sophie, and I can hear all about your friends and school, and your little brothers. Do you know that *I* rode a Harley motorcycle for a few minutes on Sunday? Yes! I was scared, but I did it! I'll tell you about it one day. I thought since I am getting older, I ought to try a few things!

I hope you had a wonderful party! I love you more than chicken, my sweet pea!
Love, Mom Mom
x0x0x0x0x0x0

Happy Valentine's Day Sweeties

Hi Girls,

I know you don't remember when this picture was taken! Look at Mari's spaghetti mess! Look how small you all are! This MUST be around Valentine's Day, 2003. What fun we were having with Tia and Luna!

I hope you had a good day! Did you have a Valentine party at school on Friday? I wish I could have given you a Russell Stover box of candy today! Russell Stover chocolates is sort of a tradition in our family. I remember MY Mom Mom and Aunt Alice always getting Russell Stover candy, the best according to them! I remember your mom wanting Russell Stover too! Funny!

Pop Pop sneaked out and brought home a steak dinner from Applebee's for a Valentine's Lunch. I really don't like to go out much anymore, so this was a nice surprise. Mmmm mmmm good! Luna made Pop Pop and I Valentine's cards, and mine is in Spanish! Luna is taking Spanish clesses in school.

I'm so happy to have spoken to your mom, 3 times this year! I'm SO hoping she will decide to let us see each other this year! I miss you so much. I never stop missing you and think of you all the time! Take care of yourselves, and remember I love you more than chicken. I love you more than Russell Stover chocolates too!

Love, Mom Mom
x0x0x0x0x0x0x

Another Call

Well, to continue... I DID get a return call from my daughter, and I was very glad to have gotten it. I was told that Savannah is a certified scuba diver, at 10 years old! I'm SO proud of you sweetie!

I learned that Mari is very good in school! Go Girl, I am proud of you too! It feels SO good to know something!

I asked if I could talk to the girls and Danniele said she would think about it. Danniele also gave me her email address, which I promptly misplaced. My request to friend me on Facebook go refused. ;-(

I waited a few weeks and called Danniele again. No response, but she did call me back the next day. This time I got to now that Mari still has eczema, but only on her feet, and that Lucah also suffers from eczema. Micah escaped it. Danniele still has not decided if I can talk to the girls. I also now have Danniele's email address.

It IS hard to talk after all these years of silence. Danniele commented on it, and so did I. Still, it is sure nice to talk to my daughter. Danniele, if yiou ever see this, know that I love you and I wish we could see each other and the girls. It would be wonderful if you would call Lisa too. Consider the kids. Savannah and Mari would love to see me again, and also Luna and Tia. We're family!

I miss those kids so so much. I try not to think too much about them as I still get teary eyed and a knot in my stomach when i think of them.

It would be wonderful if I could send Savannah a present for her upcoming birthday!

Ta Ta for now. I LOVE you Savannah and Mari! I hope to see you soon!
Love, Mom Mom
x0x0x0x0x0x0

UnHappy New Year

The long anticipated call arrived. Twice on New Years day. I missed the first two calls, not having my cell phone with me. The third call came on January second. It was my estranged daughter. We had a polite, short, 2-3 minute call. I was happily surprised. She had not spoken to me in over 4 years.

She said I could email her via Facebook.

I did.

I told her I was happy to have heard from her. I got no response. I tried messaging her through Facebook again. Stiil, no response, yet I see she has been online. She won't add me as a friend, so I can only blindly message her. I can't see her page.

I tried calling her, and have left two messages, no return call. I think I got the message - she does not want to talk to me again. But why call at all, and make three attempts on two days? I am baffled. I knew it would be a slow process, but I never expected to be ignored again.

More than baffled, I feel myself returning to that depression I went through right after the last day I saw the girls. Unable to contain my tears, I cry alot. I feel the knots in my stomach, and I have trouble getting a breath.

After her call, my first thought was we could slowly work our way into being a family again. My second thought was I would be able to see the girls again, and maybe the little boys I don't even know. My third thought was that I could stop the antidepressant I needed to go on three years ago. I don't like being on it. Yes, it helps with the sadness, but it also makes you flat, so you don't even experience happiness either.

I am totally puzzled and saddend and wish this nightmare could be over. Please.